Creativity's price

 Interesting thing about the creative arts, there is no such thing as done. You may be finished with the project, but you are not done painting/writing/woodworking/etc. Another thing about creativity, it comes at a price. Any talent comes with a cost, but creativity seems to take a toll on those who have this gift. I have never met an artist of any medium/genre who did not suffer from some sort of mental illness.

We all seem to suffer from it. Depression and anxiety are the most common. Impostor syndrome, BPD, bipolar, PTSD, panic attacks, and various other metal illnesses are also rather common. Often the more creative the person the more they're dealing with mentally. We don't see the world the same way. If we did we wouldn't be able to create with words, music, paint, etc. We feel more as well. I'm not saying those who aren't creative don't feel deeply because they most certainly do. However, I've noticed that there is a difference between how a creative person feels and someone who isn't as creative. The more creativity one has the more emotions seem to affect them.

This causes many problems for the creative minded. We struggle to keep our emotions from ruling us. We've been told all our lives to control our emotions. This is difficult when our minds are wired to follow our emotions. It is this very ability to feel everything that allows for us to create the way we do.

I have always had anxiety. Around the time I hit puberty I was suffering from depression as well. By 15 I was battling suicidal ideations. At 18 I began self-harming. It wasn't until months after that that I started getting the help I needed. By 20 I'd been through two traumatic events. It was also that year that I began suffering from panic attacks. By 21 I'd been diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, depression, an adjustment disorder, and it was thought I also had PTSD (the normal kind from trauma, and another that is not currently in the code books). At 23 I was told I had BPD traits but not the disorder itself. I was relieved.

I don't know how not to feel. I struggle to keep my stronger emotions in check. I can be professional when I need to be, but holding back those emotions costs me later. Writing helps. Creating helps. When I write I feel more sane. I feel all the joys of my emotions, I also feel the pain. However, it passes through me to the page. It eases the pain I carry with me daily. It keeps my head from hurting as much when I go through too many emotions in too short a time span.

So while the price for my gift is mental illness and all the pain that comes with it, that same gift eases the pain. It keeps it bearable. Not saying I don't need outside help, I most certainly do. But the outside help is able to do more if I'm writing as well. If my mental health gets too bad I can't write, but if I write it helps my mental health.

Every gift comes with a price. No one is given a talent without also carrying a cost for that ability. Sometimes that's the ability to socialize easily. There are many things that can be the price. For me it's that my brain works more emotionally (though I still have logic mind). It's my mental illnesses. It's that I struggle more with learning biology, chemistry, or physics.

Just steps away

 I haven't done much writing, but I have finally finished going over the edit suggestions for the book I wrote last year. I have sent copies to some beta readers. I hope to hear back from them within a few weeks. After that I go over their suggestions, alter things to make more sense (if needed) and then it'll be time to start looking for publishers I want to submit my book to. I expect to be rejected before I get accepted. It'll hurt, but it will also give me a chance to grow as a writer.

As this isn't something I've done before I'm not even sure how to feel. There's no precedent in my life for this. I'm steps away from sending my work out. This is something I have worked towards my whole life. It has been a dream of mine since I was a child. I know that there's a chance that this book won't get published, that it'll be a later work that gets published first. But the mere fact that I'm almost to the point where I could potentially be a published author rather than an aspiring one... Being on the verge of a dream is such a strange feeling.

Books are something that have always been important to me. They are something that have always been a part of my life. I asked my parents when I learned my alphabet (as I have no memory of the event). My mother (who would have been the one to teach me) couldn't tell me. She didn't know. She said this instead "it was like you always knew how to read." I actually had trouble when I was eight as my teacher thought I couldn't read. The problem wasn't my ability to read, but how boring the material was. I'd get so bored I'd zone out, unable to pay attention. This made my teacher believe that I couldn't read, when in reality I was reading the book she was reading out loud to the class on my own.

I was later home schooled and was grounded from reading until I finished my science and math. I'd pick up a chapter book and be transported for hours on end. I started writing short stories, and finished my first draft of a rather long short story (not sure where exactly it fits as it was ten chapters) at age ten. I continued to write. A lot of the time the stories weren't ever finished as I'd jump from idea to idea. There were also spans of time where I didn't write anything at all. The largest of which was two years (age 18-20) as I struggled with my mental health.

I only started writing again at 20 when I read Mercedes Lackey's books for the first time (I still haven't read them all). In her Arrows trilogy (the copy where the three are combined into one book) she mentioned her own struggles with publishing. She was in her thirties before she published. I was only twenty at the time and suddenly felt like I still had time to achieve my life dream. Since I was extremely depressed and battling anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD triggers, this was a huge step.

Now here I am years later. Not only have I finished two first drafts (only 3% of writers finish a first draft), I've edited one and have sent it off to beta readers. This is something that at multiple times in my life I thought was impossible. Never give up on your dreams. They are something that won't come easily, but are always worth fighting for. Some times what you are fighting is yourself.

❥Stay safe

20,000 words

 I have been horrible at posting updates. I write a little here and there, but have been mostly focused on my school assignments. I crossed the 20,000 word mark! and completed both chapters 6 and 7. Chapter 8 is slow going, but that's mostly due to getting interrupted every time I'm on a roll. I'll try to remember to post updates as I go.

I'm almost done editing the first draft I finished last year. One more chapter to go. I'm both excited and incredibly nervous. Once all the edits are added in I'll get a friend to read it (one who wasn't part of the first draft). After any changes that need to be made from that (scene corrections, etc) it should be ready to send off to publishers. I'm sure it'll get rejected at least a few times before it gets published. The fact that I'm so close to the point where I'd send it off is a feeling I can't explain with just one word. It's anxiety, excitement, shock, pride, nerves, and so many other things all rolled into one.

I'm going to keep this short today as I have some editing and compiling to do.

❥ Stay Safe!