Creativity's price

 Interesting thing about the creative arts, there is no such thing as done. You may be finished with the project, but you are not done painting/writing/woodworking/etc. Another thing about creativity, it comes at a price. Any talent comes with a cost, but creativity seems to take a toll on those who have this gift. I have never met an artist of any medium/genre who did not suffer from some sort of mental illness.

We all seem to suffer from it. Depression and anxiety are the most common. Impostor syndrome, BPD, bipolar, PTSD, panic attacks, and various other metal illnesses are also rather common. Often the more creative the person the more they're dealing with mentally. We don't see the world the same way. If we did we wouldn't be able to create with words, music, paint, etc. We feel more as well. I'm not saying those who aren't creative don't feel deeply because they most certainly do. However, I've noticed that there is a difference between how a creative person feels and someone who isn't as creative. The more creativity one has the more emotions seem to affect them.

This causes many problems for the creative minded. We struggle to keep our emotions from ruling us. We've been told all our lives to control our emotions. This is difficult when our minds are wired to follow our emotions. It is this very ability to feel everything that allows for us to create the way we do.

I have always had anxiety. Around the time I hit puberty I was suffering from depression as well. By 15 I was battling suicidal ideations. At 18 I began self-harming. It wasn't until months after that that I started getting the help I needed. By 20 I'd been through two traumatic events. It was also that year that I began suffering from panic attacks. By 21 I'd been diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, depression, an adjustment disorder, and it was thought I also had PTSD (the normal kind from trauma, and another that is not currently in the code books). At 23 I was told I had BPD traits but not the disorder itself. I was relieved.

I don't know how not to feel. I struggle to keep my stronger emotions in check. I can be professional when I need to be, but holding back those emotions costs me later. Writing helps. Creating helps. When I write I feel more sane. I feel all the joys of my emotions, I also feel the pain. However, it passes through me to the page. It eases the pain I carry with me daily. It keeps my head from hurting as much when I go through too many emotions in too short a time span.

So while the price for my gift is mental illness and all the pain that comes with it, that same gift eases the pain. It keeps it bearable. Not saying I don't need outside help, I most certainly do. But the outside help is able to do more if I'm writing as well. If my mental health gets too bad I can't write, but if I write it helps my mental health.

Every gift comes with a price. No one is given a talent without also carrying a cost for that ability. Sometimes that's the ability to socialize easily. There are many things that can be the price. For me it's that my brain works more emotionally (though I still have logic mind). It's my mental illnesses. It's that I struggle more with learning biology, chemistry, or physics.