Word Jump

 It's been a long time since I posted. Last night I did a lot of work on the book I finished the first draft for in December 2019. I wrote 4 scenes, added those scenes into the draft at the appropriate places, did some minor editing (on those scenes mostly), fixed some formatting errors, added in the map I created in December 2018 (when I first started working on this world and story), and created a concept art for my cover and added that in as well.

One of the 4 scenes I wrote ended up becoming a prologue while the other 3 were placed several chapters apart. I've heard back from 2 of my 3 beta readers and that is what inspired the changes. Prior to these 4 scenes I'd added another scene when I heard back from the first beta reader. Prior to sending anything to my beta readers I'd added a few scenes to clear other things up. This book was at a little over 64,000 words and is now over 73,000 words.

I have sent the updated version to another set of beta readers and hope to hear back from them soon. I'm hoping nothing else needs to be changed. I'd like to think that I'd cleared things up with all these other changes. I hope that there is enough information on all the various characters that things make more sense to readers now. I have this problem of not putting everything that's in my head on paper. This means that there are tons of little details behind decisions and events that the reader doesn't see. I'm hoping I made those behind the scenes events and moments a little more clear.

On another topic, I may come across as a little jumbled and chaotic. I have 3 stories I'm actively working on and writing right now. One is on it's 3rd draft, one is in it's 1st draft, and the last is still in the concept stages. On top of this I have another 1st draft completed that I'm going to alter and have a whole jumble of short story ideas connected to it. I have a story that I'd set aside years ago that I have ideas (finally) on how to rewrite it.

I'm working on various projects at once and get excited about each and every one. I will talk about my progress in which ever one I happen to be working on in that moment. I have over 24,000 in the first draft I'm working on. I got stuck on a scene that I'm trying to figure out. I have several events I want to have happen but if they are put back to back there will be no flow to the story at all.

The one that I mostly just have a concept of is going to take a long time. Part of this is due to the fact that my goal with it isn't to make it a novel. My goal is to make it a webcomic. My drawing skills are not up to the task and I can't afford to pay an artist. So I will be working on my art skills till they are up to my standards for this webcomic (considering I'm a perfectionist that may take awhile).

The one I completed the first draft for earlier this year has been set aside. Events went too fast in the story and I need to figure out how to slow things down so that it's not just a whirlwind that no one can keep up with. Part of my list of things to do to work on this is to write a collection of shorter stories. Each of these will be from the perspective of different important characters in the actual story. They will be the back stories of these characters. I will take my readers through the important and most life changing events in their pasts. I do have a few characters who won't be in this list. One won't be because her past is covered in the original story and doesn't need to be expanded on to that extent. The others are minor characters and their pasts don't have as much to do with what happens in the original story.

The one I set aside years ago will be undergoing a lot of changes. First off I'm aging up my characters. I started writing this story when I was 17 and it shows. I need my characters to be a little more mature to get them through everything they will have to go through. I'm changing the setting to coincide with the aging up of the characters. I will also be adding a few new characters who were not part of the original story at all. The minor villains will undergo changes as well though the major villains will be the same as they were in the original.

I am also starting my school semester tomorrow. Between school starting up and all these different projects I am working on, I hope it is understandable that I'm occasionally jumping around. As soon as I get through this scene that has me stuck I will spend most of my creative writing efforts on the novel that is still in its first draft. I will continue to make changes and edits on the competed one as needed, but it is no longer my creative focus. It can't be if I want to be able to polish it properly. I can't be looking at it the way I did when I was writing it. So most of my creative focus will be elsewhere.

Now that you're all caught up, I wish you a happy New Year! I wish you safety and success in 2021.

As always

❥ Stay Safe

Creativity's price

 Interesting thing about the creative arts, there is no such thing as done. You may be finished with the project, but you are not done painting/writing/woodworking/etc. Another thing about creativity, it comes at a price. Any talent comes with a cost, but creativity seems to take a toll on those who have this gift. I have never met an artist of any medium/genre who did not suffer from some sort of mental illness.

We all seem to suffer from it. Depression and anxiety are the most common. Impostor syndrome, BPD, bipolar, PTSD, panic attacks, and various other metal illnesses are also rather common. Often the more creative the person the more they're dealing with mentally. We don't see the world the same way. If we did we wouldn't be able to create with words, music, paint, etc. We feel more as well. I'm not saying those who aren't creative don't feel deeply because they most certainly do. However, I've noticed that there is a difference between how a creative person feels and someone who isn't as creative. The more creativity one has the more emotions seem to affect them.

This causes many problems for the creative minded. We struggle to keep our emotions from ruling us. We've been told all our lives to control our emotions. This is difficult when our minds are wired to follow our emotions. It is this very ability to feel everything that allows for us to create the way we do.

I have always had anxiety. Around the time I hit puberty I was suffering from depression as well. By 15 I was battling suicidal ideations. At 18 I began self-harming. It wasn't until months after that that I started getting the help I needed. By 20 I'd been through two traumatic events. It was also that year that I began suffering from panic attacks. By 21 I'd been diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, depression, an adjustment disorder, and it was thought I also had PTSD (the normal kind from trauma, and another that is not currently in the code books). At 23 I was told I had BPD traits but not the disorder itself. I was relieved.

I don't know how not to feel. I struggle to keep my stronger emotions in check. I can be professional when I need to be, but holding back those emotions costs me later. Writing helps. Creating helps. When I write I feel more sane. I feel all the joys of my emotions, I also feel the pain. However, it passes through me to the page. It eases the pain I carry with me daily. It keeps my head from hurting as much when I go through too many emotions in too short a time span.

So while the price for my gift is mental illness and all the pain that comes with it, that same gift eases the pain. It keeps it bearable. Not saying I don't need outside help, I most certainly do. But the outside help is able to do more if I'm writing as well. If my mental health gets too bad I can't write, but if I write it helps my mental health.

Every gift comes with a price. No one is given a talent without also carrying a cost for that ability. Sometimes that's the ability to socialize easily. There are many things that can be the price. For me it's that my brain works more emotionally (though I still have logic mind). It's my mental illnesses. It's that I struggle more with learning biology, chemistry, or physics.

Just steps away

 I haven't done much writing, but I have finally finished going over the edit suggestions for the book I wrote last year. I have sent copies to some beta readers. I hope to hear back from them within a few weeks. After that I go over their suggestions, alter things to make more sense (if needed) and then it'll be time to start looking for publishers I want to submit my book to. I expect to be rejected before I get accepted. It'll hurt, but it will also give me a chance to grow as a writer.

As this isn't something I've done before I'm not even sure how to feel. There's no precedent in my life for this. I'm steps away from sending my work out. This is something I have worked towards my whole life. It has been a dream of mine since I was a child. I know that there's a chance that this book won't get published, that it'll be a later work that gets published first. But the mere fact that I'm almost to the point where I could potentially be a published author rather than an aspiring one... Being on the verge of a dream is such a strange feeling.

Books are something that have always been important to me. They are something that have always been a part of my life. I asked my parents when I learned my alphabet (as I have no memory of the event). My mother (who would have been the one to teach me) couldn't tell me. She didn't know. She said this instead "it was like you always knew how to read." I actually had trouble when I was eight as my teacher thought I couldn't read. The problem wasn't my ability to read, but how boring the material was. I'd get so bored I'd zone out, unable to pay attention. This made my teacher believe that I couldn't read, when in reality I was reading the book she was reading out loud to the class on my own.

I was later home schooled and was grounded from reading until I finished my science and math. I'd pick up a chapter book and be transported for hours on end. I started writing short stories, and finished my first draft of a rather long short story (not sure where exactly it fits as it was ten chapters) at age ten. I continued to write. A lot of the time the stories weren't ever finished as I'd jump from idea to idea. There were also spans of time where I didn't write anything at all. The largest of which was two years (age 18-20) as I struggled with my mental health.

I only started writing again at 20 when I read Mercedes Lackey's books for the first time (I still haven't read them all). In her Arrows trilogy (the copy where the three are combined into one book) she mentioned her own struggles with publishing. She was in her thirties before she published. I was only twenty at the time and suddenly felt like I still had time to achieve my life dream. Since I was extremely depressed and battling anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD triggers, this was a huge step.

Now here I am years later. Not only have I finished two first drafts (only 3% of writers finish a first draft), I've edited one and have sent it off to beta readers. This is something that at multiple times in my life I thought was impossible. Never give up on your dreams. They are something that won't come easily, but are always worth fighting for. Some times what you are fighting is yourself.

❥Stay safe

20,000 words

 I have been horrible at posting updates. I write a little here and there, but have been mostly focused on my school assignments. I crossed the 20,000 word mark! and completed both chapters 6 and 7. Chapter 8 is slow going, but that's mostly due to getting interrupted every time I'm on a roll. I'll try to remember to post updates as I go.

I'm almost done editing the first draft I finished last year. One more chapter to go. I'm both excited and incredibly nervous. Once all the edits are added in I'll get a friend to read it (one who wasn't part of the first draft). After any changes that need to be made from that (scene corrections, etc) it should be ready to send off to publishers. I'm sure it'll get rejected at least a few times before it gets published. The fact that I'm so close to the point where I'd send it off is a feeling I can't explain with just one word. It's anxiety, excitement, shock, pride, nerves, and so many other things all rolled into one.

I'm going to keep this short today as I have some editing and compiling to do.

❥ Stay Safe!

Backstories and world building

 Last night I wrote a character's backstory. It was interesting. I wrote a character who was around for hundreds of years prior to the start of the book. It's always important to write the backstory of characters. I'm planning to write another character's backstory today. Yesterday was an ally of my main character, today will be an ally of the antagonist. My goal is to make this second character into one that my readers can understand. The best villains are ones that you can truly see how they ended up the way they did. The ones you almost, almost want to root for. The ones who you can see truly human traits in. The ones that while being an antagonist they aren't just some random evil, they slowly ended up that way.

Having done the basic backstory for one of my "good" characters prior to this I'll have more world information to go off of. Since the character I did last night has been around so long, the glimpses of his world will help shape the past of this other character. While this second character is younger than the one I did last night he also has been around quite some time before the book starts. Oh the joys of working with non-human creatures. Long life-spans mean I can have a lot happen to them, or have them watch parts of history happen.

It's fun to create more and more of my world. I learn more about the world as I dive into the characters in it. Understanding them, writing their pasts, all of it helps shape and build the world I'm writing. It adds age to it, it adds more depth to it. I'm hoping to have a basic world timeline by the time I finish with these backstories. It'll help with writing the book itself if I know what happened in the world in the past. Especially when dealing with characters who to them it's not history, it's part of their own personal pasts. The main character is younger than most of my other characters.

I think that's all of my update and ramble today.

As always:

❥ Stay safe

Writing, school, and mental state update

Okay, so I've been really bad at posting updates. With school having started this month, I ended up writing really late at night and going straight to bed. Trying to stay on top of online classes, stay relatively sane, and write a novel is definitely an interesting juggling act.

School started up, and my mental health plummeted. I used my various hobbies to help build my mental state back up enough that I could write. Once I got to where I could write again, things got easier. As a creative, if I don't do something creative periodically, I tend to feel useless. It doesn't matter how busy I am, how much I've gotten done if I haven't put some time into my creative outlets, it feels like I've done nothing.

Part of what made my mental state become such that I couldn't write is the fact that I have what is called an adjustment disorder. Basically, it means that when there are many changes and adjustments in my life, my anxiety and depression get triggered. As long as I stay aware of it, I'm usually able to keep on top of it enough to reduce the negative effects.

Now for the writing update. I crossed the 10,000 word mark! I've also completed up through Chapter 5. I'm hoping to write Chapter 6 later today, but first, I need to do more planning. I usually do more planning at the start so that I don't run into this situation where I'm trying to figure out what comes next. Somehow I ended up writing in a more by-the-seat-of-my-pants style since I normally do a combination of both the planning and just going with it styles it's been interesting.

Something else I'm struggling with is making one of the villains come across as a good guy. It's easier to make a good guy seem like a villain than it is to make the villain seem good. I've got to make this character I know is bad news for my main character seem likable, trustworthy, and intriguing. It'll be even better if I can get this character to seem so good that the main character is romantically inclined to them would be even better. This kind of thing is going to take some planning. I have to make this person seem good enough that the character likes them, but I have to manage it in a way that while it'll surprise readers if they go back and reread, they'll see the hints I left.

Someone once told me that I'm really good at developing character relationships. That the romance, the development of character interactions, was my strong point. As this is something I love in the books I read, I'm not entirely surprised. What makes a book good to me is that the characters grow, change, and develop relationships with the characters around them. I hate when the book gives no foundation for a romance. I need to watch the characters grow together. The other frustrating thing for me is when a character falls madly in love in three days. I just want to yell at them. Lust happens that fast. Love does not. Not if your characters have any life experience at all. If they can't tell the difference between love and lust, they may think they are in love, but later they realize that it was nothing other than lust. When an author tries to pass lust off as love, I feel like I've been deprived of all the potential the story had.

Love is something that takes work. Lust happens quickly. Without lust, the relationship won't develop beyond friendship, but lust is not love. Love is a combination of friendship and lust. It is seeing your partners faults, knowing they aren't any more perfect that you are, and still caring, still wanting to spend time with them. Love is the perfect blend of the loyalty and compatibility of true friendship and the heat, chemistry, and fire that comes with lust.

This version of love is what I try to portray in my stories. No relationship is all sunshine and rainbows. No one can have a lasting relationship with someone with any depth to it and not fight occasionally. How those fights go and how quickly they are resolved or defused is what shows the love in the relationship. I don't want to portray a fairy-tale relationship that has no realism to it. The combination of fantasy and real struggles are what make fantasy novels great.

Reedsy Prompt Short Story

 I wrote a short story on Reedsy: A Mental Spiral

I have done a little writing in my book, but not much. I'll let you know as soon as I hit any milestones. My writing has been slow so I thought I'd wait till my first milestone to update you guys.

I know this is a super short post today (most of my posts are short), but I've been struggling to cope. If you read the short story it'll let you know just how much I've been struggling. The short story is basically a fictionalized version of me. I haven't been as bad as the character in the story, but I've come close a few times. It was quite liberating to not only write this story, but to post it as well. Don't read the short story if you're easily triggered as it deals with a mental health spiral/crash. If any of you do get a chance to read it I'd love if you would take a moment to comment on here what you thought of the short story (you need an account to comment on Reedsy but you don't need one to comment on my blog post).

As always:

❥ Stay safe